Friday, December 13, 2002

god why do i make everyones lives horrible? i went to see my pretti today and my being there just fucked everything up. then tonight i went to a friends and my two closest friends acted like i didn't exist...oh except for when they were talking about me when i was in the same room. that was so so much fun. i dont know what the hell to pretty sure i'm over the killing myself stage...but seriously i dont know. maybe i do just want attention. i am sure as hell not faking my depression but when i dont actually show it, i become invisible. yup its been a great birthday.
ok now i am not leaving tomorrow because my shrink screwed up. as weird as this sounds (because i've been complaining about going away) i really hate it that i'm not leaving. i am thrilled that i dont have to leave people but thing is, im still depressed. i was gonna fucking kill myself!! yes thats right kill myself. i want to be happy because i can't think of anything wrong with my life except me so there is no reason why i shouldnt be happy. jesus i used to hide my depression and not admit it to anyone but now i am more open about it so i told a lot of people about my going to topeka and now it turns out i'm not going til january. fuck fuck fuck. people are gonna think i'm putting on a show or something and i just made it all up...this one asshole thinks that and he told two of my friends that so i asked him why he thought that and he denied it. bastard. oh well. at least i can see marshall in drag.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

today was a good day. yes it was good. it really hasnt sunk in yet that next week i wont be at school with all my friends and aquaintances and well not enemies but just the people i dont enjoy very much. i am going to miss the day to day stuff and when i come back i will be like a stranger....but not really a stranger. worse than that. its going to be "oh yea i remember that loser..why did she come back?" i dont like who i am now but thats who everybody knows me as..i want to change and not be a frickin dumbass but when i come back i will still be a dumbass to everyone. today was a good day though. you know what the best feeling in the world is? when someone you barely know but you may have a few classes with, comes up and talks to you and takes interest in what you are doing. its like my friends have to talk to me but no one else feels obligated to. so its fun when it happens.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

dammit why do i have to go??? i can not just leave everything and come back in three months expecting everything to be the same....i love my friends so so much and they support me in everything and i know they will try to make it like i never left..but relationships dont work that way. they just dont. i am going to spend all my spare time writing letters to everyone..even people i dont know all that well and they will think i'm a freak writing them letters haha but just people in school i dont talk to elsewhere i need to keep in contact with...ok that made no sense. oh well i get it.

Sunday, December 08, 2002

what to say what to say....
my birthday is friday. whoop de do.
humans in their natural state are stupid
save tonight is a really good song
one piece of advice: wear sunscreen