Wednesday, December 25, 2002

christmas. hm..what to say. it was ok i guess. i saw the movie catch me if you can and that was awesome. really good movie. tomorrow i am going to wisconsin to see my grandma and uncles and aunts and cousins etc. etc. etc. usually thats pretty fun actually.....i get a shitload of presents. so thats good. life is weird. why are we here? really, all we're doing is destroying this planet and society and everybody's lives in general is just going downhill. things are getting worse, not better. if there is a god, why is this happening to us?? why is life full of shit? but i guess he couldnt' do anything about it..he cant control our brains or control where the little viruses go to kill someone. he doesnt take lives. he doenst create lives either. then *assuming there is a god* what does he do? judge us to determine whether we go to heaven or hell? then how are we sure he doesnt judge us on race or wealth? and how does any religion know that they're religion is the "right" one. there is no evidence to prove any of this religious stuff. i need scientific facts and science has proved that evolution did, in fact, occur etc. etc. all this religion stuff is fucking confusing. people just believe what they want to be true. i am going to make my own religion. yes, thats what i'll do. i'll make up a god, or two gods, however i want it to be and make laws and stuff to follow. oh this will be great fun!! (haha all of you reading this are like "wow, she really doesnt have a life....") oh well. merry christmas.

Monday, December 23, 2002

i need someone to care about me..appreciate me and look out for me. someone who i know will always be there ready to help me through shit. everyone is so fickle. i think i have a friend who will accept me no matter what...then reality strikes. i feel removed from everyone around me..i am different. why cant i be like them? why cant i be a normal socialable person always surrounded with friends? i hate who i am yet i cant change it. i know i am the one causing all of my shit but why cant there be someone who is always there for me? there i go, fantasizing again. of course thats not going to happen..i just need to change who i am. i have to because i dont like me now and i dont blame other people for not liking me either.