Friday, January 10, 2003

well things are a little better now. scarlett came over and we examined our hands! *bip bip bip* haha dont ask me what that was. so after that i went to spaghetti works and two weeks notice (good movie..aww hugh grant!) with meg, abi, julie, sarah, and well me. except julie couldnt come to the movie :( but it was fun. then we all came over here to hang out at my house (haha great fun ya much to do) was a horrific day but a prettiful night. my dad still thinks i'm crazy..jesus he was acting all paranoid when scarlett was over here like i was suddenly gonna rush and attack him or something. at least i dont have to drive with him tomorrow..i'm going with my mom. dammit i never got a hackysack. i guess that will be something to do in topeka...god i hope hope hope hope hope people visit me! you know what? maybe i am crazy. i was seriously acting really freaky this afternoon. maybe i have some mild form of bipolar disease. i have to have something more than just depression because i am a fricking wacko watley. dont ask me what a watley is. well this may be my last postie for a if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!! and i really do because if you are reading it that means you care enough about me to look at my info and see whats going on with me. thank you!!! and write a LOT and call!! even if you think you dont know me too well...i WILL appreciate it soo much! ok toodle-oo!
ok so it was 1:30 or so and i was like "mom can you drive me to school" fully expecting a no, but shes like sure but we have a few minutes because we dont want to get there too early. so..using my clever mind logic skills i deduced that she was confused. she thought that it was 2:30 or that school ended at 1:50 so i just went along with it. she drove me down there and when she found out it was another hour i was like "mom i want to go to seventh period!!!" and she started driving away and i almost opened the car door to get out and run to school but she was like "dont you dare" and so i didnt. we got home and my dad was home. they were talking in the kitchen and i slipped out the front door. i was about halfway down the street when my mom noticed me and she sent my dad to run after me. god i hate it when my dad tries to talk to me. he treats me like i'm really really crazy. so hes following me around and if i ever get too close too irving he grabs me so i just turn around and we're walking around the neighborhood making a scene and eventually i go home. then my mom called my shrink. my shrink suggested i go to lincoln general so they can contain me and hold me there over the weekend. but oh gosh too bad we cant do that because i have to leave tomorrow. so my mom goes to pick up scarlett...she was supposed to come over after school today and my dad follows me around the house wherever i go afraid that i'm gonna hurt myself. i just wanted to go to school dammit! oh. earlier today i called the school because i wanted to talk to scarlett and i was like "could you put me through to mr. olmsted's class please?" and she was like "well no because hes having a class." so then i was like "could you call scarlett down to the phone?" and she was like "who is this?" and i go "scarletts mom" (i know i know bad move) so shes like "well i could take a message" and i couldnt say "well never mind!" so i said "tell her i will pick her up after school today" dammit!! that was so bad. ok because i thought i would go with my mom to pick scarlett up and i could get out of the car go find scarlett and tell her that i did that then it would all be good. but my mom went alone to go pick up scarlett!! then she just came back and was like "well i couldnt find scarlett" so now it is 3:20 and i feel horrible! poor scarletto is probably waiting to be picked up by her mom!!! i hope she took the bus!! but i am having good feelings towards my mom now because she said i can still have people over tonight...but my dad..ugh. he was gonna call the police and have me commited. and he is still following me around. he is sitting a few feet away reading a book. so hes not reading this. this by far, has been the worst day of my life.
i can not believe it. my mom made me stay home again. and i would have been able to just walk to school in the morning except for my damn eye doctor appointment at 8:30. after that, i was like "so mom can you drive me to school now?" and shes like " no...i think you should stay home again today" and i started ranting about how i have to go to school about how it is the LAW and i have RIGHTS and so shes just driving around town. this goes on for about 45 minutes then she stops at the library and i decide to go in too. i mean what the hell. we hang out there for 2 hours then i make her take me home...she agress this time. so i walk in the door and i get on the computer and she starts yelling at me to get off the computer and i'm like "mom i'm supposed to be in school! i will get off the computer if you take me to school! or i will walk to school!" oh and i have to leave either tonight or tomorrow. this is just great. thank you mother.

Thursday, January 09, 2003

eventful day: i woke up. i looked at the clock..its 7:37. i freak out. i hear my dads voice so i wonder why no one woke me up. i immediately think "snow day?" so i get up and look out the window. no snow. i go into my moms room. shes asleep. i wake her up and i'm like "mom its 20 to!" and she tries to make me go back to bed but i am freaking out so she tells me that she wants me to stay home today. i dont want to. then she makes me stay home. my mom and i go get pedicures and shop and various other things then we go home. i get online and scarlett is on. i talk to her and she says i can come over tomorrow after school. i consult with my mother on that. she says no. i say why. she says because. i keep bugging her about it because she has absolutely no reason for giving that answer. she says she has a gut feeling about it and she doesnt want me to go over there. i shoot my mom. (actually that didnt happen) i cry. a lot. i realize that my mom is a judgemental freak who judges people she does not know. i go to my room and dont talk to anyone. i watch friends. and scrubs. and now i'm here. i am going to school tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

woo hoo!!!! i am eternally grateful to the people at the mall previously known as gateway!!!!! the Playathon has been POSTPONED!!!! hahahaha! that means 1) i dont have to waste a full saturday sitting and playing my violin (except for seeing jenny....that part would be fun..) 2) dammit i need to think of three things ...and 3) i get to see my scarletto!!! yay! *jumps up and down like an idiot* ooh and maybe we can even go get our *gasp* handicap hackysacks!!! yes well this is actually quite exciting for me. tomorrow is thursday and i have nothing after school, the next day is friday and i have nothing after school, saturday free day and sunday i leave. so all those days that aren't clogged with previous engagements i can plan fun activities with friend(s)!! yes i still have very few friends...but this is going to be a happy post!!! ok so in geometry we did the funnest thing on this earth!! ok y'all gotta try this: throw a pencil at a person (lets call him BOBBY!!) so you throw the pencil at bobby (and make sure they see you throw the pencil at them) then go "hey bobby could you get my pencil for me?" hahahaha!!! that is the greatest!! yes yes we easily amused have so much more fun. yea so we were doing that all geometry throwing a bunch of pencils around and mr. shickle (is that how you spell it?) either didnt notice (very possible) or didnt care! hehe..i love that class. *throws a pencil, laughing hysterically*

Monday, January 06, 2003

i must try burning. yes in case yall were wondering self mutilation relieves stress. and boredom. and gay pride rules all. ok wow sorry i got distracted. i failed my biology test. that brings my grade down to a b or a c+ i dunno. i've always had straight a's and i've kind of taken it for granted. i dont try and i get a's now i'm not trying and my grades are slipping. can't have that. but dammit we're all gonna die anyway! everything we've ever done will be irrelevent. nobody will care if i got 100% on all my english tests (not that i have) but it just wont matter. I dont even know how i have friends...i certainly wouldnt want to be around me. some people are so nice and i love them! i cant believe everyone doesnt just tell me to fuck off and then shoot me.
What if i had moved to lawrence in sixth grade? I wouldn't know anyone at Irving. The last memories I would have from Lincoln are "Hats Off" "Inscription of Hope" and "Rhythem of Life" I wish dad had gotten that job. I would be a different person with different friends (ok the few friends that i love and i know absolutely love me I LOVE YOU but its just the majority of my "friends" really arent there for me) and if i did move and i still had to go to Menengers I would be closer to Topeka (unless Lawrence is in the very west part of Kansas..but thats beside the point) I only have a couple of friends here who really love me and i am happy to have them but I need more support than that (ok that was cheesy but true) I am a freak here and now but maybe a different time a different place I'd be happy with myself. But I doubt it. No, I dont think so. Nobody would look at annoying bitchy me and think "wow I bet she's suicidal and really needs someone to be there for her" Nobody would think that. I cant deal with all of this. I'm glad i'm leaving. yes i'm glad. maybe then i'll be loved. i really need to get away from my parents, but they're gonna be hanging around all the time and my "friends" wont. I wish they would visit me...of course now they all promise to..but really. who would waste a weekend to visit an annoying dumbass in a "facility" I need to wake up and try to live my life. What is the deal with life anyway? it's so dumb. we just grow up, live our lives trying to make it to the top and get more things and hurt others, then we die. and everything we lived our lives to achieve is gone. We're all gonna die eventually so why put up with shit? I wish i could start over...

Sunday, January 05, 2003

well to start off my mom found the sum 41 lyrics "offensive" but she let me keep the cd *haha! yes!* god my dad is such a frickin today: my sister, my dad and me all got watches for christmas so we went to younkers to have get them sized right ~links taken out and such~ so my sister and i got our links taken out and dad over here was having a thats not right..he was having an elephant because they didnt have the tools to take out a link of his!!! jesus he had to make a whole big scene about it and harass the store people..i was like "jeez dad! can we just go!" god it wasnt even their fault and then he asked for a complaint form to fill out and she was like "they're down in customer service" and my dads like "well go get one for me" my dad is an asshole and he bullies mom too. god cant they just get a divorce already????? i know all yall out there with divorced parents are probably like "she doesnt know what the hell shes talking about etc." and its true i dont..but my mom puts up with all this shit from dad and she deserves much better than that. so anyway thats off my chest. at least for the moment. *sigh* so i leave in a week. it really hasnt sunk in. last time i was supposedly going down to topeka i kind of braced myself and i was prepared and i realized what was happening. now it doesnt seem real...because last time i didnt go...why should it work out this time? hahaha funny thing..mike and i have figured out (since my shrink really isnt "all there" if you catch my drift..) that all shrinks have shrinks so they have this secret organization of a neverending string of shrinks! ok everyone go to then click on "naughty bird." it is the most hilarious thing in the whole entire things? i dunno but its funny! ok well i must go sulk in my room because i have to get up early tomorrow.....for school....blah. at least i get to see peoples.