Sunday, June 08, 2003

i hate my life. it's so fucked up and nothing goes right.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

alright kids i cut.

Sunday, April 20, 2003

i'm back now...not supposed to be writing in this but i dont want them to delete it

Friday, January 10, 2003

well things are a little better now. scarlett came over and we examined our hands! *bip bip bip* haha dont ask me what that was. so after that i went to spaghetti works and two weeks notice (good movie..aww hugh grant!) with meg, abi, julie, sarah, and well me. except julie couldnt come to the movie :( but it was fun. then we all came over here to hang out at my house (haha great fun ya much to do) was a horrific day but a prettiful night. my dad still thinks i'm crazy..jesus he was acting all paranoid when scarlett was over here like i was suddenly gonna rush and attack him or something. at least i dont have to drive with him tomorrow..i'm going with my mom. dammit i never got a hackysack. i guess that will be something to do in topeka...god i hope hope hope hope hope people visit me! you know what? maybe i am crazy. i was seriously acting really freaky this afternoon. maybe i have some mild form of bipolar disease. i have to have something more than just depression because i am a fricking wacko watley. dont ask me what a watley is. well this may be my last postie for a if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!! and i really do because if you are reading it that means you care enough about me to look at my info and see whats going on with me. thank you!!! and write a LOT and call!! even if you think you dont know me too well...i WILL appreciate it soo much! ok toodle-oo!
ok so it was 1:30 or so and i was like "mom can you drive me to school" fully expecting a no, but shes like sure but we have a few minutes because we dont want to get there too early. so..using my clever mind logic skills i deduced that she was confused. she thought that it was 2:30 or that school ended at 1:50 so i just went along with it. she drove me down there and when she found out it was another hour i was like "mom i want to go to seventh period!!!" and she started driving away and i almost opened the car door to get out and run to school but she was like "dont you dare" and so i didnt. we got home and my dad was home. they were talking in the kitchen and i slipped out the front door. i was about halfway down the street when my mom noticed me and she sent my dad to run after me. god i hate it when my dad tries to talk to me. he treats me like i'm really really crazy. so hes following me around and if i ever get too close too irving he grabs me so i just turn around and we're walking around the neighborhood making a scene and eventually i go home. then my mom called my shrink. my shrink suggested i go to lincoln general so they can contain me and hold me there over the weekend. but oh gosh too bad we cant do that because i have to leave tomorrow. so my mom goes to pick up scarlett...she was supposed to come over after school today and my dad follows me around the house wherever i go afraid that i'm gonna hurt myself. i just wanted to go to school dammit! oh. earlier today i called the school because i wanted to talk to scarlett and i was like "could you put me through to mr. olmsted's class please?" and she was like "well no because hes having a class." so then i was like "could you call scarlett down to the phone?" and she was like "who is this?" and i go "scarletts mom" (i know i know bad move) so shes like "well i could take a message" and i couldnt say "well never mind!" so i said "tell her i will pick her up after school today" dammit!! that was so bad. ok because i thought i would go with my mom to pick scarlett up and i could get out of the car go find scarlett and tell her that i did that then it would all be good. but my mom went alone to go pick up scarlett!! then she just came back and was like "well i couldnt find scarlett" so now it is 3:20 and i feel horrible! poor scarletto is probably waiting to be picked up by her mom!!! i hope she took the bus!! but i am having good feelings towards my mom now because she said i can still have people over tonight...but my dad..ugh. he was gonna call the police and have me commited. and he is still following me around. he is sitting a few feet away reading a book. so hes not reading this. this by far, has been the worst day of my life.
i can not believe it. my mom made me stay home again. and i would have been able to just walk to school in the morning except for my damn eye doctor appointment at 8:30. after that, i was like "so mom can you drive me to school now?" and shes like " no...i think you should stay home again today" and i started ranting about how i have to go to school about how it is the LAW and i have RIGHTS and so shes just driving around town. this goes on for about 45 minutes then she stops at the library and i decide to go in too. i mean what the hell. we hang out there for 2 hours then i make her take me home...she agress this time. so i walk in the door and i get on the computer and she starts yelling at me to get off the computer and i'm like "mom i'm supposed to be in school! i will get off the computer if you take me to school! or i will walk to school!" oh and i have to leave either tonight or tomorrow. this is just great. thank you mother.

Thursday, January 09, 2003

eventful day: i woke up. i looked at the clock..its 7:37. i freak out. i hear my dads voice so i wonder why no one woke me up. i immediately think "snow day?" so i get up and look out the window. no snow. i go into my moms room. shes asleep. i wake her up and i'm like "mom its 20 to!" and she tries to make me go back to bed but i am freaking out so she tells me that she wants me to stay home today. i dont want to. then she makes me stay home. my mom and i go get pedicures and shop and various other things then we go home. i get online and scarlett is on. i talk to her and she says i can come over tomorrow after school. i consult with my mother on that. she says no. i say why. she says because. i keep bugging her about it because she has absolutely no reason for giving that answer. she says she has a gut feeling about it and she doesnt want me to go over there. i shoot my mom. (actually that didnt happen) i cry. a lot. i realize that my mom is a judgemental freak who judges people she does not know. i go to my room and dont talk to anyone. i watch friends. and scrubs. and now i'm here. i am going to school tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

woo hoo!!!! i am eternally grateful to the people at the mall previously known as gateway!!!!! the Playathon has been POSTPONED!!!! hahahaha! that means 1) i dont have to waste a full saturday sitting and playing my violin (except for seeing jenny....that part would be fun..) 2) dammit i need to think of three things ...and 3) i get to see my scarletto!!! yay! *jumps up and down like an idiot* ooh and maybe we can even go get our *gasp* handicap hackysacks!!! yes well this is actually quite exciting for me. tomorrow is thursday and i have nothing after school, the next day is friday and i have nothing after school, saturday free day and sunday i leave. so all those days that aren't clogged with previous engagements i can plan fun activities with friend(s)!! yes i still have very few friends...but this is going to be a happy post!!! ok so in geometry we did the funnest thing on this earth!! ok y'all gotta try this: throw a pencil at a person (lets call him BOBBY!!) so you throw the pencil at bobby (and make sure they see you throw the pencil at them) then go "hey bobby could you get my pencil for me?" hahahaha!!! that is the greatest!! yes yes we easily amused have so much more fun. yea so we were doing that all geometry throwing a bunch of pencils around and mr. shickle (is that how you spell it?) either didnt notice (very possible) or didnt care! hehe..i love that class. *throws a pencil, laughing hysterically*

Monday, January 06, 2003

i must try burning. yes in case yall were wondering self mutilation relieves stress. and boredom. and gay pride rules all. ok wow sorry i got distracted. i failed my biology test. that brings my grade down to a b or a c+ i dunno. i've always had straight a's and i've kind of taken it for granted. i dont try and i get a's now i'm not trying and my grades are slipping. can't have that. but dammit we're all gonna die anyway! everything we've ever done will be irrelevent. nobody will care if i got 100% on all my english tests (not that i have) but it just wont matter. I dont even know how i have friends...i certainly wouldnt want to be around me. some people are so nice and i love them! i cant believe everyone doesnt just tell me to fuck off and then shoot me.
What if i had moved to lawrence in sixth grade? I wouldn't know anyone at Irving. The last memories I would have from Lincoln are "Hats Off" "Inscription of Hope" and "Rhythem of Life" I wish dad had gotten that job. I would be a different person with different friends (ok the few friends that i love and i know absolutely love me I LOVE YOU but its just the majority of my "friends" really arent there for me) and if i did move and i still had to go to Menengers I would be closer to Topeka (unless Lawrence is in the very west part of Kansas..but thats beside the point) I only have a couple of friends here who really love me and i am happy to have them but I need more support than that (ok that was cheesy but true) I am a freak here and now but maybe a different time a different place I'd be happy with myself. But I doubt it. No, I dont think so. Nobody would look at annoying bitchy me and think "wow I bet she's suicidal and really needs someone to be there for her" Nobody would think that. I cant deal with all of this. I'm glad i'm leaving. yes i'm glad. maybe then i'll be loved. i really need to get away from my parents, but they're gonna be hanging around all the time and my "friends" wont. I wish they would visit me...of course now they all promise to..but really. who would waste a weekend to visit an annoying dumbass in a "facility" I need to wake up and try to live my life. What is the deal with life anyway? it's so dumb. we just grow up, live our lives trying to make it to the top and get more things and hurt others, then we die. and everything we lived our lives to achieve is gone. We're all gonna die eventually so why put up with shit? I wish i could start over...

Sunday, January 05, 2003

well to start off my mom found the sum 41 lyrics "offensive" but she let me keep the cd *haha! yes!* god my dad is such a frickin today: my sister, my dad and me all got watches for christmas so we went to younkers to have get them sized right ~links taken out and such~ so my sister and i got our links taken out and dad over here was having a thats not right..he was having an elephant because they didnt have the tools to take out a link of his!!! jesus he had to make a whole big scene about it and harass the store people..i was like "jeez dad! can we just go!" god it wasnt even their fault and then he asked for a complaint form to fill out and she was like "they're down in customer service" and my dads like "well go get one for me" my dad is an asshole and he bullies mom too. god cant they just get a divorce already????? i know all yall out there with divorced parents are probably like "she doesnt know what the hell shes talking about etc." and its true i dont..but my mom puts up with all this shit from dad and she deserves much better than that. so anyway thats off my chest. at least for the moment. *sigh* so i leave in a week. it really hasnt sunk in. last time i was supposedly going down to topeka i kind of braced myself and i was prepared and i realized what was happening. now it doesnt seem real...because last time i didnt go...why should it work out this time? hahaha funny thing..mike and i have figured out (since my shrink really isnt "all there" if you catch my drift..) that all shrinks have shrinks so they have this secret organization of a neverending string of shrinks! ok everyone go to then click on "naughty bird." it is the most hilarious thing in the whole entire things? i dunno but its funny! ok well i must go sulk in my room because i have to get up early tomorrow.....for school....blah. at least i get to see peoples.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

hm. this is exciting. my mom feels the need to pry into every corner of my sad sad life. she decided to take my sum 41 cd lyrics to read them to make sure they arent "inappropriate." i guess theres nothing in there that would be considered inappropriate to her...damn i hope not. but its just the idea i think...of her snooping around in my stuff. and another thing!!! today my darling mother would not let me go see my gorgeous scarleybean!!!!! and little herman!!! and her ultracool mom!!! *yes yes scarletts mom is, in fact, the coolest mom EVER* god why cant my mom act like a reasonable human being for once???? its probably because she is an alien from planet zorg...but thats beside the point. dammit this life is pointless. i cant do this. its too much to handle.

Friday, January 03, 2003

so i went to see my shrink today and she says i have to leave next sunday. and she has no clue how long i am going to be gone. i cant be away from everyone for that long...and no internet. god i have to go through this whole thing again...preparing myself for leaving everything. at least i get to see hermie tomorrow! yayness i havent seen the little turd yet! and then of course i can see the pretti scarleybean too! and then i am actually looking forward to going back to school on monday! *haha my nerdiness* but its actually so i can see everyone before i leave!!!!! whats the deal with life anyway? no one knows...i guess thats why most people believe in some sort of god to make their lives meaningful. i wonder who the first person was to say "hey, you know what? i bet theres this great spirit up there somewhere in this perfect about we call that heaven...and i bet he created everything! lets call him god and worship him! and i know!! lets get some people to write stories about him too! this will be a fun project!" haha silliness.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

damn some of these quizzes are so accurate. how do they do it?

Tuesday, December 31, 2002

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla">

how true....
i am a frickin dumbass. why do people even talk to me? why do they pretend to enjoy my company? i guess they just feel sorry for me. friends make "jokes" making fun of me...but they arent really jokes. we all know that. every day i have to convince myself NOT to just take all the pills in the medicine cabinet. i mean whats the point? if i live or i die.......nothing will change. nothing will ever change. all i feel from my "friends" is pity. they feel sorry for me. i dont want that..i want friends who like being around me. who are somehow immune to my annoying bitchiness. god its just so so tempting when i'm the only one home. i could end it all now. just like that. but i wont. i hope not. life is so pointless. we are born we live pointless lives then we die. then more people are born etc. i wish the big bang never happened. then there wouldnt be people or anything. it would be empty. no shit anywhere. i wouldnt have to be depressed all the fucking time. i wonder what was there before the big bang. there couldnt have been air...maybe it was just a big black hole. thats was a black hole. then the big bang happened and fucked everything up. why do we even care about taking care of our earth? its gonna die anyway...we're killing it. life would be so much easier if we didnt have feelings...but then it would also be boring.

Monday, December 30, 2002

i am slowly sinking deeper and deeper into an endless pit of misery. ha that was my attempt at being poetic. oh well. why do i have to be such a loser? years. i thought i was going to my friends house..but she said i cant come. thats fun. i guess i will sit and watch movies alone. alone just like i always am. my dad needs to die. i have to do 2 and a half hours of work every day during break before i can leave the house. it is break, i am not going to clean the house every day so i can see my friends. god. and my mom just goes along with it because my dad is a fricking bully. i am a wreck. i need to die.
wow culture shock. i went to see family and it was so different there...yes there was the little towns of like 300 people where everyone knows everyone...but i'm used to that now. up there, everyone cared about me and was interested in what i was doing and enjoyed being around me. its nice to be appreciated. why cant that be the case here? i guess i just blend in with the rest of the losers....invisible. sometimes i wonder what is going through other peoples' minds...not friends or anything...just people who i dont know very well and are labeled...everyone assumes they're lives are fine, normal. i wonder what its like at home for them. most people just overlook me i think. they assume i have the perfect life...i put on an act at school and around friends to make everyone think that. i guess i cant expect someone to care about me if i pretend to have friends and a great life.
ooh funny thing! i was trying to teach my grandma how to play nintendo64 it was the little mario game hehe. she was getting better at it though and now she is determined to get really good at it so the next time i come she can beat me haha i luv my grandma.

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

christmas. hm..what to say. it was ok i guess. i saw the movie catch me if you can and that was awesome. really good movie. tomorrow i am going to wisconsin to see my grandma and uncles and aunts and cousins etc. etc. etc. usually thats pretty fun actually.....i get a shitload of presents. so thats good. life is weird. why are we here? really, all we're doing is destroying this planet and society and everybody's lives in general is just going downhill. things are getting worse, not better. if there is a god, why is this happening to us?? why is life full of shit? but i guess he couldnt' do anything about it..he cant control our brains or control where the little viruses go to kill someone. he doesnt take lives. he doenst create lives either. then *assuming there is a god* what does he do? judge us to determine whether we go to heaven or hell? then how are we sure he doesnt judge us on race or wealth? and how does any religion know that they're religion is the "right" one. there is no evidence to prove any of this religious stuff. i need scientific facts and science has proved that evolution did, in fact, occur etc. etc. all this religion stuff is fucking confusing. people just believe what they want to be true. i am going to make my own religion. yes, thats what i'll do. i'll make up a god, or two gods, however i want it to be and make laws and stuff to follow. oh this will be great fun!! (haha all of you reading this are like "wow, she really doesnt have a life....") oh well. merry christmas.

Monday, December 23, 2002

i need someone to care about me..appreciate me and look out for me. someone who i know will always be there ready to help me through shit. everyone is so fickle. i think i have a friend who will accept me no matter what...then reality strikes. i feel removed from everyone around me..i am different. why cant i be like them? why cant i be a normal socialable person always surrounded with friends? i hate who i am yet i cant change it. i know i am the one causing all of my shit but why cant there be someone who is always there for me? there i go, fantasizing again. of course thats not going to happen..i just need to change who i am. i have to because i dont like me now and i dont blame other people for not liking me either.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

ok. in three years...less than three years, i can be out of this place...i can leave and go wherever i want and do whatever i want to do. i wont have to live in hell....three years isnt really that long when you think about it......but then i dont think. god this all needs to stop right now. i wish i could go back and do my whole life over...even just back to 7th grade...i think about all the things i've done wrong to screw up my life. this isn't what i want.....but in three years that can change

Friday, December 20, 2002

dammit why do i piss everyone off so much? if i weren't me i would hate me...well scratch that i do hate myself....but if i hate myself why can't i just change and make myself lovable? i have no friends to just call up and say "hey you wanna hang out" none. god i suck.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

this is really bad. so it was saturday or something and i was bored so i decided i should call someone...well i could think of one person-- thats right one person to call who isn't pissed at me or wouldnt be weirded out by me calling them out of the blue. i absolutely love the people who know what a dumbass loser i am and dont treat me like shit *scarleybean, alina, hayley, jenny meg kayla* and i think thats about it. in school i have to pretend i have a great life..mostly so i dont start crying when i see all of my ex-friends completely ignoring me.......dammit. i don't want to kill myself though...i won't...i won't...i can't. no..i don't think i will. because next year there will be new people in a new school and i can start over..sorta.

Friday, December 13, 2002

god why do i make everyones lives horrible? i went to see my pretti today and my being there just fucked everything up. then tonight i went to a friends and my two closest friends acted like i didn't exist...oh except for when they were talking about me when i was in the same room. that was so so much fun. i dont know what the hell to pretty sure i'm over the killing myself stage...but seriously i dont know. maybe i do just want attention. i am sure as hell not faking my depression but when i dont actually show it, i become invisible. yup its been a great birthday.
ok now i am not leaving tomorrow because my shrink screwed up. as weird as this sounds (because i've been complaining about going away) i really hate it that i'm not leaving. i am thrilled that i dont have to leave people but thing is, im still depressed. i was gonna fucking kill myself!! yes thats right kill myself. i want to be happy because i can't think of anything wrong with my life except me so there is no reason why i shouldnt be happy. jesus i used to hide my depression and not admit it to anyone but now i am more open about it so i told a lot of people about my going to topeka and now it turns out i'm not going til january. fuck fuck fuck. people are gonna think i'm putting on a show or something and i just made it all up...this one asshole thinks that and he told two of my friends that so i asked him why he thought that and he denied it. bastard. oh well. at least i can see marshall in drag.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

today was a good day. yes it was good. it really hasnt sunk in yet that next week i wont be at school with all my friends and aquaintances and well not enemies but just the people i dont enjoy very much. i am going to miss the day to day stuff and when i come back i will be like a stranger....but not really a stranger. worse than that. its going to be "oh yea i remember that loser..why did she come back?" i dont like who i am now but thats who everybody knows me as..i want to change and not be a frickin dumbass but when i come back i will still be a dumbass to everyone. today was a good day though. you know what the best feeling in the world is? when someone you barely know but you may have a few classes with, comes up and talks to you and takes interest in what you are doing. its like my friends have to talk to me but no one else feels obligated to. so its fun when it happens.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

dammit why do i have to go??? i can not just leave everything and come back in three months expecting everything to be the same....i love my friends so so much and they support me in everything and i know they will try to make it like i never left..but relationships dont work that way. they just dont. i am going to spend all my spare time writing letters to everyone..even people i dont know all that well and they will think i'm a freak writing them letters haha but just people in school i dont talk to elsewhere i need to keep in contact with...ok that made no sense. oh well i get it.

Sunday, December 08, 2002

what to say what to say....
my birthday is friday. whoop de do.
humans in their natural state are stupid
save tonight is a really good song
one piece of advice: wear sunscreen

Saturday, December 07, 2002

haha this is so fun! last night i spent the night at a friends house and then this morning some other friends came and woke me up and blindfolded me and took me to my surprise birthday party!! hehe it was great fun. guess thats really all i gotta say here. just keeping you (who i am talking to..i do not know) informed!!!

Friday, December 06, 2002

hey all...i just found out that i am (according to an online test--very accurate i'm sure *cough cough*) that i am 37.4% gay....and it said i am bisexual at best...but does that mean i am more leaning towards gay or straight??? god why does society make it so fucking bad to be gay. people are stupid.
well at this one little facility thing that i am going to in topeka i get no internet. thats right. no internet. for 3 months. i will die. no internet. god i live on the internet!!!! i will probably get pretty good phone privleges though. yea yea its gonna suck but maybe i will be dedepressified. i dont know.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

ahhh!!! i am going to cry...some more! in less than a week i am off to topeka to make myself undepressed but guess what??? i get no internet, LIMITED phone use, and LIMITED visits from normal people from the outside world!!! gahhh!!! and yea..i might get better and become a happy little shit but i'll come back and my relationships with my friends will no longer be existent..:-( at least next year i can go to the highschool building and meet new people. this is gonna suck some ass though

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

well. so much to start off with my friends told my sister about my suicidalness and my sister told my mom and my mom told my dad. so my parents are quite worried. they might send me off to this "rehabilitation camp" kansas!!! i don't want to go to kansas!!! i would have to miss like 3 or 4 months of school *and not see my friends for that amount of time*!!! I know i'm really depressed and messed up and i know i need help and stuff but i hate both of my shrinks so i'm not gonna talk to them...I really really really wish I could just have a peer to talk through me all this stuff but I don't want to bug anyone with having to listen to me bitch all day. oh well....

Monday, December 02, 2002

oh and the person i emailed to interview *for my english report* has not emailed me back so i have to completely make up half my report. in an hour.
god my life sucks. my mom thinks i'm suddenly on drugs or something. i have no friends. i have one hour on the computer today *including homework* so that means i have one hour to write a four page report. not gonna happen. ahh well. i may as well continue my suicide notes.

Friday, November 29, 2002

well tonight i get the luxury of using the computer because i took part in a family boggle game *puke* but i get half an hour talking to friendly peoples!! hehe! hm..but now i am being told that it is not "bear with me" and that it is "bare with me" huh. life is so confusing.
still sick...but now it doesnt suck as much because i get to miss my violin lesson!! hahaha!! never realized how boring my life is but now i'm trying to write about it and there's nothing to write. oh well, i guess boring is good..kind of....
Oh exciting bit of information!!! i took these prejudice tests online to see my "hidden bias's" (kind of your unconcious judgement of people) and it says I moderately prefer gay people to straight people!! hehe! i think that is fun! yes yes if you want to take those tests its at then on the right side of the page there is a box and you scroll down and it says "hidden bias's" click on that then scroll down and click "choose a test" and if those directions didnt' make sense then you can ask me. Ok i just thought of an idea: periodically I will have a fun website for everyone to go check that was the one for this ...i dunno week or whatever. *side note* the new puddle of mudd cd is awesome!!! ok well i'm leaving now toodoloo!

Thursday, November 28, 2002

well today its thanksgiving and I am fucking sick!!! yuck! you know when you're sick and you feel all lazy and gross? yea thats how it is and I can't move because my head will start throbing like hell. God it pisses me off.
ok weird thing about girls: why do we get into these bitchy little girl fights where we talk behind eachother's backs and shit?? guys get in fights and they may beat eachother up or anything but the next day it's like nothing happened. girls hold grudges and have these long drawn out fights. blah. yea i feel bad because I'm kind of grouping guys and girls and prejudice is absolutely the worst thing in the world but i think that stereotypes overall are true, but you should NEVER base your opinion of someone on them. so yea..thats my wonderful little insight for today....or maybe for the week...I'm not a very insightful person hehe.
Anyway, i've decided to keep this blog cuz I've been looking everywhere for a cool one and i like this one so it works haha. but now i'll stop talking so you can either go on to my next entry or....well what else would you want to do?? I mean my blog is like the best it's so cool...not repetetive or boring at all.............

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

aaaahahaha I'm a dork i get it now!! ok this will be fun!!!! well it will be fun later when I actually start venting on this thing....but not not now.
woah i'm confused...did i not just post something?
Yes, I am, in fact, a Paramecium. It's actually pretty cool..but ya know shit happens. Paramecium life just isn't what it used to used to be that if a paramecium floating down the way spotted another paramecium in need...the paramecium would stop and help the paramecium in need in it's paramecium-like way. Now, it is a cruel petri dish we live in. Parameciums multiplying like mad...not considering the possibility of overpopulation. haha actually I'm not a paramecium!!!! I sooo just tricked everyone who read that! but it is kinda sad i could talk about parameciums for so long....
anyway...I'm new to this so bear with me when i totally mess up and make a fool of myself!!! Well, I will be posting again later but this is my first one so its kind of a test and I've kind of just been thinking of random things to say!! hahaha! oh well i'm done now.